Thursday, March 31, 2016
Fun at the Zoo
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
Grandma & Livy Lou
We went to my parents house over the weekend. On Monday I was packing the car and left my almost 16 month old daughter, Olivia, to hang out with my mom. When I came back inside my mom was laughing. She typed in her computer that she had said, "I love you Livy Lou."
When she said that, Livy turned around, looked at her and said, "I know." My mom laughed and laughed! She said it made her week.
I feel so blessed that we get to spend time with my mom and that Livy knows that her Grandma loves her. We are so lucky!
Saturday, March 5, 2016
Caterpillar
My Aunt Roberta is my mom's twin sister. She has been amazing to help my parents. She lives an hour North of them, but still travels down multiple times a week to help with various projects and to sit with my mom on the nights my dad has choir practices and Emily has to work.
She was asked to speak in her stake conference a month or two ago and this is a story that she shared. My mom also shared this story with the young women in her ward.
Growing up on the Hash Lane property in Reno, we would be outside looking for polliwogs in the spring soon after they turned the water into the irrigation ditches. It was so fun to see those polliwogs start to grow their little back legs and lose their tail. We would also watch carefully for their little front legs to start growing. It didn't seem to take them very long to change into frogs. What an amazing process!
Then, in the fall, we would start searching the milk weed plants for caterpillars. If we were lucky enough to find one, we would bring it home and put it in a glass canning jar. We would poke holes in the lid and put some milk weed leaves and the caterpillar inside the jar. We fed it more leaves since the caterpillar would eat a lot while it was growing big enough to spin its chrysalis. It was always such a miracle to see the caterpillar growing, spinning its chrysalis, and then becoming a butterfly. I have never have lost my wonder with this process.
As the years have passed, every once in awhile, I would find a caterpillar around Millville. A few times, I was able to find one and take it to school so that the students could enjoy watching this transformation.
A few years ago, I noticed milk weed growing along the canal east of the house. I think that those milk weed plants might be where the milk weed seeds came from that started growing in the garden boxes in the backyard and also in the front yard where the rosebushes used to be. Since I enjoyed watching caterpillars so much, I let the milk weed grow in order to create a good home for caterpillars. It worked.
I am going to give a little background to this story now. Last fall, two members of our stake presidency came over for a visit. Since I had been lucky enough to find some caterpillars last year, I happened to have one in the house when the stake president and one of his councilors came for visit, I was excitedly telling them about the caterpillars I had been able to find. I happened to have one in the house that was already in its chrysalis and so I figured that it was sturdy enough and safe to move the caterpillar and to bring it from the kitchen into the living room to show it to them. The stake president saw the chrysalis and said, "Oh, that caterpillar is trapped right now." I was flabbergasted. I had never thought of the chrysalis restricting the caterpillar in any way at all. So, I replied, "Oh no - that isn't its trap - that is its changing room." The stake president went on to say that the caterpillar's chrysalis was like a jail cell. Again, I told him that it was more of a transformation station, a changing room, or a becoming place. I have thought about this quite a bit as did the stake president. In life, we sometimes think of things as a jail cell when God looks at them as a transformation station or a becoming place. It is an easy lesson for me to apply to tadpoles and caterpillars, but it is not always as easy for me to see in my life. Sometimes when I feel like I am in a "jail cell," God might want me to see it as a "becoming place."
Well, I better watch what I share more carefully in the future because in December, the stake president and this same councilor came for another visit and asked me to speak in stake conference!! I got the feeling that the stake president wanted me to share this story of the caterpillar changing into a butterfly during conference. So, I spoke and I did share this experience.
She was asked to speak in her stake conference a month or two ago and this is a story that she shared. My mom also shared this story with the young women in her ward.
Growing up on the Hash Lane property in Reno, we would be outside looking for polliwogs in the spring soon after they turned the water into the irrigation ditches. It was so fun to see those polliwogs start to grow their little back legs and lose their tail. We would also watch carefully for their little front legs to start growing. It didn't seem to take them very long to change into frogs. What an amazing process!
Then, in the fall, we would start searching the milk weed plants for caterpillars. If we were lucky enough to find one, we would bring it home and put it in a glass canning jar. We would poke holes in the lid and put some milk weed leaves and the caterpillar inside the jar. We fed it more leaves since the caterpillar would eat a lot while it was growing big enough to spin its chrysalis. It was always such a miracle to see the caterpillar growing, spinning its chrysalis, and then becoming a butterfly. I have never have lost my wonder with this process.
As the years have passed, every once in awhile, I would find a caterpillar around Millville. A few times, I was able to find one and take it to school so that the students could enjoy watching this transformation.
A few years ago, I noticed milk weed growing along the canal east of the house. I think that those milk weed plants might be where the milk weed seeds came from that started growing in the garden boxes in the backyard and also in the front yard where the rosebushes used to be. Since I enjoyed watching caterpillars so much, I let the milk weed grow in order to create a good home for caterpillars. It worked.
I am going to give a little background to this story now. Last fall, two members of our stake presidency came over for a visit. Since I had been lucky enough to find some caterpillars last year, I happened to have one in the house when the stake president and one of his councilors came for visit, I was excitedly telling them about the caterpillars I had been able to find. I happened to have one in the house that was already in its chrysalis and so I figured that it was sturdy enough and safe to move the caterpillar and to bring it from the kitchen into the living room to show it to them. The stake president saw the chrysalis and said, "Oh, that caterpillar is trapped right now." I was flabbergasted. I had never thought of the chrysalis restricting the caterpillar in any way at all. So, I replied, "Oh no - that isn't its trap - that is its changing room." The stake president went on to say that the caterpillar's chrysalis was like a jail cell. Again, I told him that it was more of a transformation station, a changing room, or a becoming place. I have thought about this quite a bit as did the stake president. In life, we sometimes think of things as a jail cell when God looks at them as a transformation station or a becoming place. It is an easy lesson for me to apply to tadpoles and caterpillars, but it is not always as easy for me to see in my life. Sometimes when I feel like I am in a "jail cell," God might want me to see it as a "becoming place."
Well, I better watch what I share more carefully in the future because in December, the stake president and this same councilor came for another visit and asked me to speak in stake conference!! I got the feeling that the stake president wanted me to share this story of the caterpillar changing into a butterfly during conference. So, I spoke and I did share this experience.
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Young Women's Lesson
We taught a lesson to the Young Women at Church. We decided to post parts of it on this blog.
We were asked to speak in Relief Society a few weeks ago. I have always been embarrassed that I cry too easily, but I really cried that afternoon during that Relief Society lesson. I cried worse than ever before. I don't know how to talk about really important things without getting emotional, but we at least want to spend a little time laughing tonight.
When I was first diagnosed with ALS, I started hating that acronym. I don't even use words that big! So I decided to make up my very own acronym. I changed it to "Always Learn Something."
We are going to start tonight by telling you a true story. It really did happen, and we have really laughed about it. We want you to think, " What can we learn from this?" After we finish the story, we will spend some time talking about what we can learn from it.
Alan and I got in the van to drive to Cabella's. I noticed a fly or two flying around inside the car. Alan tried to get them out, but he couldn't find them. I thought to myself, "What are the chances of one of those flies really bugging me? The van is big enough. Hopefully, they won't even realize that I am here. "
So that this story makes sense, let me tell a little background. I grew up on eight acres of property. We had the most beautiful pastures! At first we had cows. Later we got horses. I am not sure how old I was when I made a disgusting observation. Flies love filth! Whenever we would walk past cow pies or horse manure, it was covered in flies! They didn't just stop there for a quick rest. They crawled around on it and in it! They actually seemed to savor being there! Gross! Worse than gross!
Of course, those same flies would sometimes come into our kitchen. I can still hear my mother say, "Get that fly! Do you know where that thing has been?" I would always visualize a fresh cow pie covered in happy, disgusting, filthy flies. Gross! Worse than gross!
Now, back to my story... To get to Cabella's, we took the freeway. My ALS had progressed enough that I couldn't move my hands to my face anymore. That could be frustrating because ALS makes it so your senses feel and react more. When the doctor hits my knee with that rubber hammer, my leg and foot jerk up a lot more than they did before I had this disease.
We were driving on the freeway when a fly suddenly landed on my face. As it walked on my face, I could feel it through my entire body. Its crawling seemed exaggerated. I could still move my head, so I began shaking my head as quickly as I could. That fly did not seem to notice or care! I thought of my mother's words: "Do you know where that thing has been?" The unwanted picture of a fresh cow pie covered in happy, disgusting, filthy flies came into my mind. I tried to tell myself that maybe this was a city fly that had never been around cow pies. I was not foolish enough to really believe that rationalization! My thoughts were interrupted when that disgusting, filthy fly went into my nostril! Gross! Worse than gross! I tried blowing air our of my nose. This really didn't help matters. Didn't this disgusting, filthy fly know anything about respecting personal space? Apparently not! Time slowed down! I tried not to breathe through my nose. I had a new worry! Was it possible to inhale a fly through your nose? Finally, that disgusting, filthy fly got tired of my nose. I was really relieved until my lips felt the tickle of six dirty little legs on my mouth! Then I did what any fly hating person would do! I screamed. That might have been a normal, ordinary reaction. It was not, however, the smartest move I have ever made. That disgusting, filthy thing crawled right into my open mouth! Now, I tried to stay absolutely still! I didn't want to become "an old lady who swallowed a fly!" I felt those six, dirty, little legs crawling on my teeth. Never mind the teeth. Suddenly those six little legs were crawling on my tongue! Absolutely, disgustingly gross! Worse than gross!
Meanwhile, poor Alan was still driving down the freeway. We were not near an exit. The only thing for him to do was to keep going. He did keep trying to open the back windows that were the closest to that fly and me - hoping that the fly would want freedom.
Eventually, that disgusting, filthy fly did leave my horrified mouth! I was so relieved! I was even happier when he finally flew out of the open window.
This story might sound made up. Unfortunately, it is not! I did go into a lot of detail. We have really laughed about this experience. Our hope is that it gave you something to laugh about, too. Now, let's take some time to try and learn from this situation. What can we learn from this story?
This story generated a lot of good discussion. It was great to hear the different ideas these sharp young women came up with as to how we can learn from this unpleasant life experience.
Hens and Chicks
When I was in college, I took a religion class from Brother Leon Otten. He was probably the best religion teacher that I everh had. He knew how to really relate the scriptures to us and taught us how to apply them in our lives. One day, he was discussing Doctrine and Covenants 10:65, D. & C. 43:24, and D. & C. 29:2. He read Doctrine and Covenants 29:2 which reads: "Who will gather his people even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, even as many as will hearken to my voice and humble themselves before me, and call upon me in mighty prayer. " He then talked about chickens and asked if any of us had been around chickens enough to know how they behave. My mind went back to a day when my sister, Roberta, and I were outside behind our house. At that time, we had lots of chickens.
We had a chicken coop, but the chickens didn't stay in it. They roamed around the yard. One of the mother hens came walking by us. She had six, seven, or eight babies following her. Another sister and her husband lived near us in a rental house. They had a medium-sized dog. That dog came tearing around the house and went after those chicks. All of the babies ran to their mother. She was no match for that dog. The dog killed the mother hen, but Roberta and I were able to save her babies. We took them into our bedroom, put them in a box with a light bulb, and raised them until they were big enough to go back outside.
Brother Otten asked us if we were as smart as baby chicks. Do we go to Jesus when life seems to be attacking us?
These scriptures let us know that we can go to Jesus, pray, and know that He can help us if we follow Him. The commmandments protect us the way that the mother hen protected her babies that day.
A Testimony that Changed my Life
When I was attending B. Y. U., a return missionary bore his testimony. If I remember correctly, his name was Don Lewis. I was amazed at his sincerity. He never really cried, but he stopped often to keep his composure. That was great for me because it gave my mind time to try and keep up with his words.
He told us about an interview that he'd had with his mission president. His mission president had asked him if he loved Jesus Christ! He had answered, "Yes, I do." His mission president had asked him, "How much?" His answer stunned me. He said, "I love Him so much that I would die for Him." Immediately, I began to search my own heart. Could I honestly say that I loved Jesus Christ enough that I would willingly die for Him? Don shocked me out of my own thoughts when he said, "My mission president told me, 'That is not enough." My mind screamed, "Not enough? What more could anyone do than to die for someone?" Once again, Don interrupted my thoughts. His mission president's answer was so profound! He said, "You need to love Him so much that you will live for Him!"
I have thought about loving Jesus enough that we do our best to live for Him. Jesus loves us so much that He willingly lived AND died for us. Would His death have been the incredible gift to us that it is if He had not lived for us first?
I have thought about the people that I admire the most. They all have lived incredibly Christ-like lives. When it has come time for them to die, the pain of their death has been swallowed up in the joy and hope of Jesus Christ!
I have also thought of people who have chosen to live for Satan. Their lives and death have been so different.
We were grateful to be able to visit with these young women and, hopefully, get them thinking about life's experiences. We all have great experiences in our lives and we all have challenging days. The important thing is for us to learn from the experience and go forward, becoming what Heavenly Father knows we can all become.
We were asked to speak in Relief Society a few weeks ago. I have always been embarrassed that I cry too easily, but I really cried that afternoon during that Relief Society lesson. I cried worse than ever before. I don't know how to talk about really important things without getting emotional, but we at least want to spend a little time laughing tonight.
When I was first diagnosed with ALS, I started hating that acronym. I don't even use words that big! So I decided to make up my very own acronym. I changed it to "Always Learn Something."
We are going to start tonight by telling you a true story. It really did happen, and we have really laughed about it. We want you to think, " What can we learn from this?" After we finish the story, we will spend some time talking about what we can learn from it.
Alan and I got in the van to drive to Cabella's. I noticed a fly or two flying around inside the car. Alan tried to get them out, but he couldn't find them. I thought to myself, "What are the chances of one of those flies really bugging me? The van is big enough. Hopefully, they won't even realize that I am here. "
So that this story makes sense, let me tell a little background. I grew up on eight acres of property. We had the most beautiful pastures! At first we had cows. Later we got horses. I am not sure how old I was when I made a disgusting observation. Flies love filth! Whenever we would walk past cow pies or horse manure, it was covered in flies! They didn't just stop there for a quick rest. They crawled around on it and in it! They actually seemed to savor being there! Gross! Worse than gross!
Of course, those same flies would sometimes come into our kitchen. I can still hear my mother say, "Get that fly! Do you know where that thing has been?" I would always visualize a fresh cow pie covered in happy, disgusting, filthy flies. Gross! Worse than gross!
Now, back to my story... To get to Cabella's, we took the freeway. My ALS had progressed enough that I couldn't move my hands to my face anymore. That could be frustrating because ALS makes it so your senses feel and react more. When the doctor hits my knee with that rubber hammer, my leg and foot jerk up a lot more than they did before I had this disease.
We were driving on the freeway when a fly suddenly landed on my face. As it walked on my face, I could feel it through my entire body. Its crawling seemed exaggerated. I could still move my head, so I began shaking my head as quickly as I could. That fly did not seem to notice or care! I thought of my mother's words: "Do you know where that thing has been?" The unwanted picture of a fresh cow pie covered in happy, disgusting, filthy flies came into my mind. I tried to tell myself that maybe this was a city fly that had never been around cow pies. I was not foolish enough to really believe that rationalization! My thoughts were interrupted when that disgusting, filthy fly went into my nostril! Gross! Worse than gross! I tried blowing air our of my nose. This really didn't help matters. Didn't this disgusting, filthy fly know anything about respecting personal space? Apparently not! Time slowed down! I tried not to breathe through my nose. I had a new worry! Was it possible to inhale a fly through your nose? Finally, that disgusting, filthy fly got tired of my nose. I was really relieved until my lips felt the tickle of six dirty little legs on my mouth! Then I did what any fly hating person would do! I screamed. That might have been a normal, ordinary reaction. It was not, however, the smartest move I have ever made. That disgusting, filthy thing crawled right into my open mouth! Now, I tried to stay absolutely still! I didn't want to become "an old lady who swallowed a fly!" I felt those six, dirty, little legs crawling on my teeth. Never mind the teeth. Suddenly those six little legs were crawling on my tongue! Absolutely, disgustingly gross! Worse than gross!
Meanwhile, poor Alan was still driving down the freeway. We were not near an exit. The only thing for him to do was to keep going. He did keep trying to open the back windows that were the closest to that fly and me - hoping that the fly would want freedom.
Eventually, that disgusting, filthy fly did leave my horrified mouth! I was so relieved! I was even happier when he finally flew out of the open window.
This story might sound made up. Unfortunately, it is not! I did go into a lot of detail. We have really laughed about this experience. Our hope is that it gave you something to laugh about, too. Now, let's take some time to try and learn from this situation. What can we learn from this story?
This story generated a lot of good discussion. It was great to hear the different ideas these sharp young women came up with as to how we can learn from this unpleasant life experience.
Hens and Chicks
When I was in college, I took a religion class from Brother Leon Otten. He was probably the best religion teacher that I everh had. He knew how to really relate the scriptures to us and taught us how to apply them in our lives. One day, he was discussing Doctrine and Covenants 10:65, D. & C. 43:24, and D. & C. 29:2. He read Doctrine and Covenants 29:2 which reads: "Who will gather his people even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, even as many as will hearken to my voice and humble themselves before me, and call upon me in mighty prayer. " He then talked about chickens and asked if any of us had been around chickens enough to know how they behave. My mind went back to a day when my sister, Roberta, and I were outside behind our house. At that time, we had lots of chickens.
We had a chicken coop, but the chickens didn't stay in it. They roamed around the yard. One of the mother hens came walking by us. She had six, seven, or eight babies following her. Another sister and her husband lived near us in a rental house. They had a medium-sized dog. That dog came tearing around the house and went after those chicks. All of the babies ran to their mother. She was no match for that dog. The dog killed the mother hen, but Roberta and I were able to save her babies. We took them into our bedroom, put them in a box with a light bulb, and raised them until they were big enough to go back outside.
Brother Otten asked us if we were as smart as baby chicks. Do we go to Jesus when life seems to be attacking us?
These scriptures let us know that we can go to Jesus, pray, and know that He can help us if we follow Him. The commmandments protect us the way that the mother hen protected her babies that day.
A Testimony that Changed my Life
When I was attending B. Y. U., a return missionary bore his testimony. If I remember correctly, his name was Don Lewis. I was amazed at his sincerity. He never really cried, but he stopped often to keep his composure. That was great for me because it gave my mind time to try and keep up with his words.
He told us about an interview that he'd had with his mission president. His mission president had asked him if he loved Jesus Christ! He had answered, "Yes, I do." His mission president had asked him, "How much?" His answer stunned me. He said, "I love Him so much that I would die for Him." Immediately, I began to search my own heart. Could I honestly say that I loved Jesus Christ enough that I would willingly die for Him? Don shocked me out of my own thoughts when he said, "My mission president told me, 'That is not enough." My mind screamed, "Not enough? What more could anyone do than to die for someone?" Once again, Don interrupted my thoughts. His mission president's answer was so profound! He said, "You need to love Him so much that you will live for Him!"
I have thought about loving Jesus enough that we do our best to live for Him. Jesus loves us so much that He willingly lived AND died for us. Would His death have been the incredible gift to us that it is if He had not lived for us first?
I have thought about the people that I admire the most. They all have lived incredibly Christ-like lives. When it has come time for them to die, the pain of their death has been swallowed up in the joy and hope of Jesus Christ!
I have also thought of people who have chosen to live for Satan. Their lives and death have been so different.
We were grateful to be able to visit with these young women and, hopefully, get them thinking about life's experiences. We all have great experiences in our lives and we all have challenging days. The important thing is for us to learn from the experience and go forward, becoming what Heavenly Father knows we can all become.
Saturday, January 30, 2016
What I've Learned From ALS
I started this post in August. I figured I better actually finish it today.
I have been meaning to write on this blog for months now. I figured I better actually get it done so I can cross it off of my list of things to do. I figured since it is ALS Awareness Month this would be the perfect time to actually write something.
First of all, I am going to give a little bit of background for how my life has been the last year. It has definitely been a roller coaster of ups and downs. Last year my mom was going to every doctor imaginable to try to figure out why she kept falling down and had a hard time walking. It was very discouraging for all of us for her to go from doctor to doctor with no answers. I honestly didn't know what ALS was until the Ice Bucket Challenge stuff last year. After hearing about it, I kept telling my parents that maybe my mom should get checked for it. She had been tested for it from one doctor, and he had said that wasn't it. During that same time I was pregnant with our first baby, Olivia. I was super sick. I felt pretty lousy for 9 months. (It's a good thing Livy is cute, because otherwise I may never have another baby. ;-) ) On October 7, 2014, Nicole and Jeff came over to tell me that my mom had ALS. Andy was working that day and they didn't want me to be alone when I heard the news. We all cried together for hours. Apparently, for many families the diagnosis of ALS is the time to grieve, not when their loved one actually dies because it is hard to know what your loved one will go through. When they die, it is still hard, but good to know they are no longer in pain. The next few weeks were very hard for me emotionally. I especially had a hard time thinking that my baby would never really know my mom. That seemed so unfair.
Olivia was born on November 16, 2014. My parents were both able to come and spend the day with us in the hospital. I don't think I could have done that day without them. They were able to give me comfort when I was so incredibly scared. (Basically there were some complications with Livy and me. We both are so lucky to be alive). I am pretty sure that Heavenly Father sent Olivia to us when He did because He knew we would need her.
On March 11, 2015 my father-in-law passed away in his sleep unexpectedly. This has been very hard on my little family. Again, Heavenly Father knew what He was doing when he sent Livy at the best time.
On May 17, 2015 my Grandma Niederhauser passed away. Livy is named after her and me. Her name is Olivia Louise Rhodes. We were so blessed because we got pictures with "The 3 Louise's" the morning of her first fall. That is not a lucky coincidence.
Through all of this craziness, I have learned so much! We are truly blessed. It has been the hardest time of my life, but I know that we are being taken care of. The following are lessons I have learned from my mom having ALS:
1. Heavenly Father ALWAYS takes care of us. I love taking pictures. I have thousands of pictures. The fact that Heavenly Father let me get pictures with Livy and each of the most important people in our lives before they passed away is so important to me. To me it shows His tenderness, love, and caring. There are so many ways that I have seen His hand in the life of my little family, and the life of my extended family over the past year. So many little and big miracles have happened. So many people have listened to promptings of the Holy Ghost and helped us during our time of need.
2. Conserve Your Energy. When we were on an Alaskan cruise with my family a couple of weeks ago, we had a little family devotional on Sunday. My mom talked (as much as she could) about how her doctors always say to conserve your energy. That has made me think a lot about what I spend my energy on. Am I spending my time holding grudges or being frustrated? Am I spending my time enjoying my family? Energy is precious. Moments don't last forever. I am working hard to remember each day to try to be my best me and to be grateful for the blessings I have each day. I am a very blessed person, so I have been trying to dwell on those blessings. I am trying to spend my time doing things that really matter and make me the best I can be. I still have many ways to improve, but I am trying.
3. God gave us family to help us become what He wants us to be (thank you Primary for teaching me that song). It has amazed me the things that we have been able to get through. It amazes me the lessons that I learn from my family each day. I have learned so much from my mom and dad and their faithfulness. They are seriously pillars of strength. Two days after my father-in-law passed away, I called my mom and cried and cried. I told her that I couldn't do all of this. I couldn't handle losing him and then her in such a close time period and when they were both so young. I think of what she said all of the time, "You don't have a choice. You have to do this." Then she went on to tell me about how Heavenly Father has always taken care of us, so He isn't going to stop now. I think of all of the lessons I continually learn from Olivia. I often call my parents and apologize for things that I put them through that I didn't realize until I became a mom myself.
4. Heavenly Father hears our prayers. There have been so many days where I have told Heavenly Father that I needed Him to take over because I didn't have the strength to keep going. Always, always, always, He takes care of me. I always thought people were just being nice when they said they could feel others prayers for them. I never understood it before. I can honestly say I often feel like our family has a bubble or a shield of protection and comfort from others prayers. It is AMAZING! People often ask how I can handle everything I am going through so well (if only they really knew.....ha ha!) it is honestly the prayers of others that have made life okay. THANK YOU for your prayers and thoughts! It makes all of the difference.
5. People are good. There is so much goodness in the world! My parents have had so many people reach out and bless their lives. Their ward remodeled their house to make it wheelchair accessible for them. How AMAZING is that? ! They constantly have people bringing meals, flowers, and cards to them. My mom has even had a few people make her quilts because she gets cold so easily now. They love the visits and the thoughtfulness. It is so humbling to see and hear about all that is done for them. It makes me want to be better. I also feel like I have been well taken care of. I have also received flowers and cards from friends and family. One friend even mailed me Little Debbie's Cosmic Brownies just to brighten my day because she knew they are my favorite. Seriously, stuff like this happens to us all of the time. We are so blessed!
I am not scared about where my mom will go when she passes away. I know that she will be surrounded and embraced by loved ones and that she will be well taken care of. I know she will do her best to take care of me and my family too, just like she has always done. I am so scared though, to actually have her go. I think about it a lot. It is very easy to let bitter feelings come when I think about it too much. 28 years old seems too young to lose my mom. I feel like I still have so much I need her for! I have so much to learn from her still. I am often envious of people who are in their 60's or 70's when their mom's die. It seems so unfair. When I start feeling those feelings, I think about all of the people I know who didn't get to know their mom. I am so blessed! I got to have at least 28 years with my mom. I am amazed by all that she has taught me (and still teaches me) in that time. I feel like I know how to do a lot because of my mom. I don't remember a time in my life where my mom wasn't teaching me how to do something. I can cook, sew, crochet, quilt, can, garden, mow the lawn (my mom always did it...so it never seemed like a man's job to me), do crafts, read, write, share my feelings, talk a lot, etc. because of my mom. Some people never get to have that privilege. I am so blessed.
So even though this has been the hardest time of my life, I know that this is all part of Heavenly Father's plan and that I have learned things and grown in ways that would have not been possible without this trial. I am still not grateful for it, nor do I think I will ever be, but I am grateful that Heavenly Father is helping me to make it through. I am grateful He is taking care of us, carrying us through.
I have been meaning to write on this blog for months now. I figured I better actually get it done so I can cross it off of my list of things to do. I figured since it is ALS Awareness Month this would be the perfect time to actually write something.
First of all, I am going to give a little bit of background for how my life has been the last year. It has definitely been a roller coaster of ups and downs. Last year my mom was going to every doctor imaginable to try to figure out why she kept falling down and had a hard time walking. It was very discouraging for all of us for her to go from doctor to doctor with no answers. I honestly didn't know what ALS was until the Ice Bucket Challenge stuff last year. After hearing about it, I kept telling my parents that maybe my mom should get checked for it. She had been tested for it from one doctor, and he had said that wasn't it. During that same time I was pregnant with our first baby, Olivia. I was super sick. I felt pretty lousy for 9 months. (It's a good thing Livy is cute, because otherwise I may never have another baby. ;-) ) On October 7, 2014, Nicole and Jeff came over to tell me that my mom had ALS. Andy was working that day and they didn't want me to be alone when I heard the news. We all cried together for hours. Apparently, for many families the diagnosis of ALS is the time to grieve, not when their loved one actually dies because it is hard to know what your loved one will go through. When they die, it is still hard, but good to know they are no longer in pain. The next few weeks were very hard for me emotionally. I especially had a hard time thinking that my baby would never really know my mom. That seemed so unfair.
Olivia was born on November 16, 2014. My parents were both able to come and spend the day with us in the hospital. I don't think I could have done that day without them. They were able to give me comfort when I was so incredibly scared. (Basically there were some complications with Livy and me. We both are so lucky to be alive). I am pretty sure that Heavenly Father sent Olivia to us when He did because He knew we would need her.
On March 11, 2015 my father-in-law passed away in his sleep unexpectedly. This has been very hard on my little family. Again, Heavenly Father knew what He was doing when he sent Livy at the best time.
On May 17, 2015 my Grandma Niederhauser passed away. Livy is named after her and me. Her name is Olivia Louise Rhodes. We were so blessed because we got pictures with "The 3 Louise's" the morning of her first fall. That is not a lucky coincidence.
Through all of this craziness, I have learned so much! We are truly blessed. It has been the hardest time of my life, but I know that we are being taken care of. The following are lessons I have learned from my mom having ALS:
1. Heavenly Father ALWAYS takes care of us. I love taking pictures. I have thousands of pictures. The fact that Heavenly Father let me get pictures with Livy and each of the most important people in our lives before they passed away is so important to me. To me it shows His tenderness, love, and caring. There are so many ways that I have seen His hand in the life of my little family, and the life of my extended family over the past year. So many little and big miracles have happened. So many people have listened to promptings of the Holy Ghost and helped us during our time of need.
2. Conserve Your Energy. When we were on an Alaskan cruise with my family a couple of weeks ago, we had a little family devotional on Sunday. My mom talked (as much as she could) about how her doctors always say to conserve your energy. That has made me think a lot about what I spend my energy on. Am I spending my time holding grudges or being frustrated? Am I spending my time enjoying my family? Energy is precious. Moments don't last forever. I am working hard to remember each day to try to be my best me and to be grateful for the blessings I have each day. I am a very blessed person, so I have been trying to dwell on those blessings. I am trying to spend my time doing things that really matter and make me the best I can be. I still have many ways to improve, but I am trying.
3. God gave us family to help us become what He wants us to be (thank you Primary for teaching me that song). It has amazed me the things that we have been able to get through. It amazes me the lessons that I learn from my family each day. I have learned so much from my mom and dad and their faithfulness. They are seriously pillars of strength. Two days after my father-in-law passed away, I called my mom and cried and cried. I told her that I couldn't do all of this. I couldn't handle losing him and then her in such a close time period and when they were both so young. I think of what she said all of the time, "You don't have a choice. You have to do this." Then she went on to tell me about how Heavenly Father has always taken care of us, so He isn't going to stop now. I think of all of the lessons I continually learn from Olivia. I often call my parents and apologize for things that I put them through that I didn't realize until I became a mom myself.
4. Heavenly Father hears our prayers. There have been so many days where I have told Heavenly Father that I needed Him to take over because I didn't have the strength to keep going. Always, always, always, He takes care of me. I always thought people were just being nice when they said they could feel others prayers for them. I never understood it before. I can honestly say I often feel like our family has a bubble or a shield of protection and comfort from others prayers. It is AMAZING! People often ask how I can handle everything I am going through so well (if only they really knew.....ha ha!) it is honestly the prayers of others that have made life okay. THANK YOU for your prayers and thoughts! It makes all of the difference.
5. People are good. There is so much goodness in the world! My parents have had so many people reach out and bless their lives. Their ward remodeled their house to make it wheelchair accessible for them. How AMAZING is that? ! They constantly have people bringing meals, flowers, and cards to them. My mom has even had a few people make her quilts because she gets cold so easily now. They love the visits and the thoughtfulness. It is so humbling to see and hear about all that is done for them. It makes me want to be better. I also feel like I have been well taken care of. I have also received flowers and cards from friends and family. One friend even mailed me Little Debbie's Cosmic Brownies just to brighten my day because she knew they are my favorite. Seriously, stuff like this happens to us all of the time. We are so blessed!
I am not scared about where my mom will go when she passes away. I know that she will be surrounded and embraced by loved ones and that she will be well taken care of. I know she will do her best to take care of me and my family too, just like she has always done. I am so scared though, to actually have her go. I think about it a lot. It is very easy to let bitter feelings come when I think about it too much. 28 years old seems too young to lose my mom. I feel like I still have so much I need her for! I have so much to learn from her still. I am often envious of people who are in their 60's or 70's when their mom's die. It seems so unfair. When I start feeling those feelings, I think about all of the people I know who didn't get to know their mom. I am so blessed! I got to have at least 28 years with my mom. I am amazed by all that she has taught me (and still teaches me) in that time. I feel like I know how to do a lot because of my mom. I don't remember a time in my life where my mom wasn't teaching me how to do something. I can cook, sew, crochet, quilt, can, garden, mow the lawn (my mom always did it...so it never seemed like a man's job to me), do crafts, read, write, share my feelings, talk a lot, etc. because of my mom. Some people never get to have that privilege. I am so blessed.
So even though this has been the hardest time of my life, I know that this is all part of Heavenly Father's plan and that I have learned things and grown in ways that would have not been possible without this trial. I am still not grateful for it, nor do I think I will ever be, but I am grateful that Heavenly Father is helping me to make it through. I am grateful He is taking care of us, carrying us through.
Saturday, January 9, 2016
Relief Society Lesson - Jan 3, 2016
A few weeks ago, I was asked to participate in the Relief Society lesson on January 3rd. Of course, I didn't want to. I cry very easily these days, and I can't speak well enough for anyone to understand, but I couldn't say no. Partly because I have a computer that can speak for me, partly because I knew Alan would help me, but mostly because I knew that Heavenly Father needed to be thanked publicly for the many miracles He has performed for our family. The people I go to church with have done so much to help us! They have been the answer to so many prayers! I felt like this would be one way to try to express my appreciation.
It was even harder than I thought! (That is saying a lot because I expected it to be hard.) I just cried and cried. One good thing about having a computer talk for you is that you can cry, and it doesn't know or care! :)
We started out the lesson with Alan explaining what ALS is and how it has affected me. I no longer have the muscles necessary to move my legs or hands. My voice is mostly gone. When I laugh, it comes out really loud. I can still move my head, and most importantly, I can still think. My brain works as well as it ever has. I am so thankful for that!
We told about a conversation I had with a friend in the hallway at school shortly after I was diagnosed. We became friends when I taught her youngest son in second grade five years earlier. Her husband had gone to high school with Alan years ago. He now had cancer, and we knew he wouldn't live much longer. As we visited, both of us tried hard not to cry. I asked her a question that I would never have dared ask if I hadn't been told that I had a terminal disease. I asked her to please tell me something positive about knowing you are going to die.
She thought for awhile, and gave me a profound answer. She said that it gives you time to wrap up loose ends. It lets you finish things. She said that everyone doesn't have the blessing of knowing that their time is running out.
After that conversation, I decided that I needed to come up with specific goals that I wanted to accomplish in the time I have left. They are :
1. Spend as much time as possible with family.
2. Leave as much of a written legacy as possible.
3. Prepare to meet God.
Alan explained how we had been fortunate to spend a lot of time with our family in the past several months. We truly feel our family has grown spiritually as we have spent time together.
We have worked hard on many projects which we hope will leave a written legacy for our family and others. One example of this:
We have a dear friend, Kathleen Bagley, who taught our oldest three children in fourth grade several years ago. She has been coming over to visit once or twice a week. She came up with the idea for me to write an A to Z book, with thoughts and memories for each letter of the alphabet. We did a book for each of our children and Alan. I typed things up with my eyes. Everyone else did the harder parts like printing, cutting, and pasting.
Alan shared the O and P sections of the book with the ladies in Relief Society:
Outstanding Attitude
Prayer and Scripture Study
Grandma Willis taught us that God is a Dear Friend who will help us and take care of us. Praying was as much a part of life as eating is. By the time we started having you kids, we knew that the only way we could make it as parents is to pray and pray! Dad and I always prayed together every morning and evening. Then you kids and I would say a prayer on the way to school At night, we always said family prayer after we read scriptures together. God has answered so many prayers and performed so many miracles in our behalf!
One way he can answer our prayers and comfort our hearts is when we read the scriptures. I don’t know how it works, but there have been times I thought my heart was broken and I’d never feel happy again. Then I’ve turned to the scriptures, immersed myself in them, and been healed! It has been amazing to me. When Grandma Willis died, I turned to the end of The Book of Mormon and read Moroni’s writing. That was incredible comfort to me. One of our Stake Presidencies told us that two plus two equals four: two prayers and two pages of scriptures every day will make a family that will last forever! I hope you will make that a goal for your family.
It was even harder than I thought! (That is saying a lot because I expected it to be hard.) I just cried and cried. One good thing about having a computer talk for you is that you can cry, and it doesn't know or care! :)
We started out the lesson with Alan explaining what ALS is and how it has affected me. I no longer have the muscles necessary to move my legs or hands. My voice is mostly gone. When I laugh, it comes out really loud. I can still move my head, and most importantly, I can still think. My brain works as well as it ever has. I am so thankful for that!
We told about a conversation I had with a friend in the hallway at school shortly after I was diagnosed. We became friends when I taught her youngest son in second grade five years earlier. Her husband had gone to high school with Alan years ago. He now had cancer, and we knew he wouldn't live much longer. As we visited, both of us tried hard not to cry. I asked her a question that I would never have dared ask if I hadn't been told that I had a terminal disease. I asked her to please tell me something positive about knowing you are going to die.
She thought for awhile, and gave me a profound answer. She said that it gives you time to wrap up loose ends. It lets you finish things. She said that everyone doesn't have the blessing of knowing that their time is running out.
After that conversation, I decided that I needed to come up with specific goals that I wanted to accomplish in the time I have left. They are :
1. Spend as much time as possible with family.
2. Leave as much of a written legacy as possible.
3. Prepare to meet God.
Alan explained how we had been fortunate to spend a lot of time with our family in the past several months. We truly feel our family has grown spiritually as we have spent time together.
We have worked hard on many projects which we hope will leave a written legacy for our family and others. One example of this:
We have a dear friend, Kathleen Bagley, who taught our oldest three children in fourth grade several years ago. She has been coming over to visit once or twice a week. She came up with the idea for me to write an A to Z book, with thoughts and memories for each letter of the alphabet. We did a book for each of our children and Alan. I typed things up with my eyes. Everyone else did the harder parts like printing, cutting, and pasting.
Alan shared the O and P sections of the book with the ladies in Relief Society:
Outstanding Attitude
When I first started noticing that something was wrong with my legs, I
decided I needed to be as strong spiritually as I could be. I was reading The
Book of Mormon each day, but I made a goal to read a conference talk each day,
too. I came across President Uchtdorf’s talk. He gave it in April of 2014. It
really touched my heart! He said that people who are going through trials can
handle them best if they focus on their blessings. I prayed for help doing
that. That prayer has certainly been answered!
I also have been blessed to hear a talk given by Elder
Holland titled, “Lessons from Liberty Jail.” In it, he talks about the
conditions in Liberty Jail. Whenever I am tempted to feel sorry for myself
because of my ALS, I go to Liberty Jail in my mind. I think of what it takes
for me to go to the bathroom now: Dad gets my wheelchair in the right spot, and
pulls me up to stand on my feet. Then he puts my hands around the vertical bar.
After that, he gets me on the toilet. When I compare that to Liberty Jail, I
think I have it really good. Can you imagine living in one big room with
absolutely no privacy? Just where did they go to the bathroom? Was there water
to wash their hands? My mind asks lots of questions and I have come up with how
good I have it.
I also remember a talk that I heard from a man years ago. He
wrote Seven Years in Hanoi. He had been captured during the Vietnam War, and
spent seven years as a prison of war! He described the place he lived: the
floor was dirt. The only light that he had came through places where the wooden
boards didn’t meet. As he told us his story, he talked about how many people
died. He said that when people stopped having hope, they lost the will to live.
Hanoi is another place my mind visits if I am tempted to get discouraged.Prayer and Scripture Study
Grandma Willis taught us that God is a Dear Friend who will help us and take care of us. Praying was as much a part of life as eating is. By the time we started having you kids, we knew that the only way we could make it as parents is to pray and pray! Dad and I always prayed together every morning and evening. Then you kids and I would say a prayer on the way to school At night, we always said family prayer after we read scriptures together. God has answered so many prayers and performed so many miracles in our behalf!
One way he can answer our prayers and comfort our hearts is when we read the scriptures. I don’t know how it works, but there have been times I thought my heart was broken and I’d never feel happy again. Then I’ve turned to the scriptures, immersed myself in them, and been healed! It has been amazing to me. When Grandma Willis died, I turned to the end of The Book of Mormon and read Moroni’s writing. That was incredible comfort to me. One of our Stake Presidencies told us that two plus two equals four: two prayers and two pages of scriptures every day will make a family that will last forever! I hope you will make that a goal for your family.
Our testimonies have been strengthened as we have faced this trial together. Alan said to the sisters, "No one needs to feel sorry for us. The blessings we have received have far out weighed the trials we have faced. We are truly thankful to Heavenly Father. He blesses us more and more each day. We know so many of you are praying for us and we know Heavenly Father is hearing and answering your prayers by showering the blessings upon us."
I then shared the following experience and insight:
Lake Tahoe-July 2015
We had been careful to plan things out ahead of time. We knew getting me onto the beach would be
difficult. Roberta worked hard to put a
second wheelchair in her car and bring it clear from Millville. We knew my 360 pound wheelchair would never
make it through the sand.
Alan parked the car, I got out and Alan transferred me in to
Roberta’s light weight wheelchair. Then
he pushed me over the asphalt parking lot.
The plan was for one person to hold the wheelchair on the
back and for two people to hold each side by my legs. As I turned and saw the beach an unexpected
feeling of hopelessness and despair overcame my entire body. I would never run on the beach again. I would never swim in the water that I loved
so much. I would never lay on the sand.
I closed my eyes to try to gain my composure. I didn’t want to cry. As my ALS has progressed, my crying has
gotten louder and more embarrassing.
Just then I realized I was being carried. Bryan, Nathan, and Cory were all lifting me
in the wheelchair and taking me across the sand to the rest of the family that
was already there. Just as suddenly as
the feelings of hopelessness and despair had come, new feelings of gratitude
and love engulfed me. I realized how
blessed I am to have a brother and nephews who love me enough to do for me what
I cannot do for myself. Without that
kind of help, I would have no quality of life.
I could be homebound and unable to do anything.
I cried all the way to the beach. How fortunate I am to have love and help.
As I was thinking about it the next day, I realized that
each of us is in a similar situation to mine.
My trial in life right now is physical.
I didn’t do anything to bring it on; it is just the nature of ALS. However each of us have a spiritual
handicap. None of us is perfect. It is the nature of life. There are times when we are fill with despair
and hopelessness. We want to get back to
our Heavenly Father, but we don’t have the ability on our own. We cannot get there without help. We have a Father and a Brother who love us
enough to do for us what we cannot do for ourselves. If we will ask them, they will carry us
through our trials. They will help us
when we are unable to help ourselves.
We should have deep feelings of love and gratitude for the
Atonement. Because of that, Jesus has
felt any sorrow or pain that we feel. He
knows what to do to carry us through anything.
I then ended the lesson by relaying the following:
I would like to thank
all of you for everything you have done for us. I remember praying, "
Heavenly Father, I don't know how to do this because I have never done it
before. Please help us to do it right. " After that, people started coming
over, or calling on the phone. They would offer specific help, and we would
think , " That's a very good idea." Then we would thank Heavenly
Father for taking such good care of us.
One example of that is the bathroom in our home. When I was still able to ride on a scooter, I was still teaching school, so that was taking a lot of my energy. Bishop Page and Bishop Fowers started worrying about a motorized wheelchair fitting through our bathroom door. They came over at different times, but they came up with a plan to remodel two bedrooms and our bathroom to make them accessible. We moved into a motel for fifteen days, while the people in this ward worked hard to remodel our home. I have often wondered whether that helped us more physically or emotionally. There is no way I could still be able to live at home without those changes, but the love we have felt from you has been a massive help, too.!
We thank you for every prayer you have offered in our behalf! Those prayers have carried us! We appreciate every visit, every meal, every bouquet of flowers and every other act of kindness. There is no way to adequately thank you or Heavenly Father, but please know that we appreciate you with every inch of our hearts! We love you.
One example of that is the bathroom in our home. When I was still able to ride on a scooter, I was still teaching school, so that was taking a lot of my energy. Bishop Page and Bishop Fowers started worrying about a motorized wheelchair fitting through our bathroom door. They came over at different times, but they came up with a plan to remodel two bedrooms and our bathroom to make them accessible. We moved into a motel for fifteen days, while the people in this ward worked hard to remodel our home. I have often wondered whether that helped us more physically or emotionally. There is no way I could still be able to live at home without those changes, but the love we have felt from you has been a massive help, too.!
We thank you for every prayer you have offered in our behalf! Those prayers have carried us! We appreciate every visit, every meal, every bouquet of flowers and every other act of kindness. There is no way to adequately thank you or Heavenly Father, but please know that we appreciate you with every inch of our hearts! We love you.
After we had given this part of the lesson, we worried about people who still needed to be thanked. We are putting this on the blog, hoping to reach anyone who was not in attendance at this Relief Society meeting. We really do appreciate everyone who has done so much to help us during this challenging time. We love you!!
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
One Year
On October 7, 2014 I woke up feeling things that are hard to put into words. It was almost like I had a sense of impending doom. I didn't know what that day held, but something kept telling me it would be life-changing. I knew my mom had an appointment with a neuromuscular specialist at the U of U to go over her latest test results. We didn't know what the future held, but deep down I knew it wasn't going to be good.
I tried to go about my day as normal and try not to worry about what my parents would be learning at the doctor that day. I had a doctor appointment for my 6 week old baby who was struggling with reflux. The doctor suggested that since he was mostly eating breastmilk that I should try eliminating dairy from my diet in case he had a food sensitivity. That was a hard thing for me to hear since I love my dairy products. As I drove home I kept thinking that maybe that was the only bad news and the reason for all my negative feelings. I tried to convince myself, but I still somehow knew that something worse was about to come.
Needless to say it was a long day. I kept waiting for my parents to call and figured they should be done with their appointment. I tried calling a couple times and kept getting voicemail. Finally I reached my dad. He asked me to hold on for a second and then I could hear him talking to people in the background. When he came back he said he was asking my mom if he should tell me. I could tell by his tone of voice that what he was about to tell me wasn't going to be good.
I don't remember much of what he said other than that they had just diagnosed my mom with ALS. My heart dropped. I wish I could say I was surprised, but Jeff and I had watched our bishop's wife in California go through ALS and that had been in the back of my mind as my mom kept showing more and more symptoms.
Our call was pretty short. I was still trying to process everything and I know my dad was too. I got off the phone and called Jeff who was sweet enough to leave work early so he could come home and be with me. We talked and decided we didn't want Mandy to hear over the phone all alone so we decided to drive to her house and break the news to her in person. I felt for my dad in that moment. How do you tell someone that their mom has a horrible disease and that it's terminal? It wasn't easy but we spent some time together trying to process it all.
The past year has definitely been life-changing for my whole family. One of the strange things about ALS is that you spend a lot of time grieving. It's not like when someone passes away unexpectedly and the grief hits at once. With ALS you grieve when you initially get the news. Then you grieve as the person loses her ability to do certain things. We grieved as my mom progressed from having to use a walker to a scooter to her full electric chair in only a matter of months. We grieved as she lost her ability to use her hands and then as her speech started to go. We will grieve when she dies for sure, but in a lot of ways it will be a relief knowing that she no longer has to be trapped in her body that doesn't function.
I don't mean to make it sound like we spend our days grieving because we absolutely don't. One of the big blessings of ALS (or any other terminal illness) is that you get the opportunity to tie up loose ends and say the things you might not have said otherwise.
When my mom was diagnosed with ALS I told myself I was going to take as many opportunities to spend time with her as I possibly could because I didn't want to have any regrets. I don't even know how many times I loaded my little baby and all his gear into my car and headed up North. Up until July of this year I was going at least once a month. Sometimes just for a couple days and one time as long as 10 days. Jeff was so supportive of me leaving him behind and going up there.
When I started having complications with this pregnancy my doctor told me no more traveling. I specifically asked him about going to see my mom and he said no. He knows the situation but he said it is way too risky and that me sitting in a car that long could cause me to hemmorhage and bleed out very quickly. My sweet parents have made an effort to travel here and see us even though it wears my mom out a lot. I know her traveling days are extemely limited and that most people in her situation would have stopped traveling months ago. But time is precious right now and I'm grateful for every minute that I get to spend with my mom.
One of my big worries when I learned my mom had ALS was that she would go into a deep depression and not want to leave the house. She has done just the opposite. She has been determined to live each day to the fullest and she has surely done that. I know I have posted all their trips previously but they also went on a cruise to Alaska (with the whole family except for us due to my complications), they've come to St George and done all kinds of fun things close to home too. It has made me look at my life and wonder how much time I waste on things that just don't matter. Life is short and we need to make the most of it. I'm grateful to my mom for setting that example.
I could write a whole book on the ways our life has changed in the past year, but for now I'm going to sign off. I know I've said it before but I'm going to keep saying it. I am SO grateful for the prayers and support that have gotten us through this past year. When my mom was diagnosed she was asked what kind of a support system she had. Without hesitation she responded that she had a great one. We knew she did, but people have been so much more amazing than any of us could have comprehended just a year ago. I just hope that I can pay it forward and find ways to love and support others in their trials.
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