I have been meaning to write on this blog for months now. I figured I better actually get it done so I can cross it off of my list of things to do. I figured since it is ALS Awareness Month this would be the perfect time to actually write something.
First of all, I am going to give a little bit of background for how my life has been the last year. It has definitely been a roller coaster of ups and downs. Last year my mom was going to every doctor imaginable to try to figure out why she kept falling down and had a hard time walking. It was very discouraging for all of us for her to go from doctor to doctor with no answers. I honestly didn't know what ALS was until the Ice Bucket Challenge stuff last year. After hearing about it, I kept telling my parents that maybe my mom should get checked for it. She had been tested for it from one doctor, and he had said that wasn't it. During that same time I was pregnant with our first baby, Olivia. I was super sick. I felt pretty lousy for 9 months. (It's a good thing Livy is cute, because otherwise I may never have another baby. ;-) ) On October 7, 2014, Nicole and Jeff came over to tell me that my mom had ALS. Andy was working that day and they didn't want me to be alone when I heard the news. We all cried together for hours. Apparently, for many families the diagnosis of ALS is the time to grieve, not when their loved one actually dies because it is hard to know what your loved one will go through. When they die, it is still hard, but good to know they are no longer in pain. The next few weeks were very hard for me emotionally. I especially had a hard time thinking that my baby would never really know my mom. That seemed so unfair.
Olivia was born on November 16, 2014. My parents were both able to come and spend the day with us in the hospital. I don't think I could have done that day without them. They were able to give me comfort when I was so incredibly scared. (Basically there were some complications with Livy and me. We both are so lucky to be alive). I am pretty sure that Heavenly Father sent Olivia to us when He did because He knew we would need her.
On March 11, 2015 my father-in-law passed away in his sleep unexpectedly. This has been very hard on my little family. Again, Heavenly Father knew what He was doing when he sent Livy at the best time.
On May 17, 2015 my Grandma Niederhauser passed away. Livy is named after her and me. Her name is Olivia Louise Rhodes. We were so blessed because we got pictures with "The 3 Louise's" the morning of her first fall. That is not a lucky coincidence.
Through all of this craziness, I have learned so much! We are truly blessed. It has been the hardest time of my life, but I know that we are being taken care of. The following are lessons I have learned from my mom having ALS:
1. Heavenly Father ALWAYS takes care of us. I love taking pictures. I have thousands of pictures. The fact that Heavenly Father let me get pictures with Livy and each of the most important people in our lives before they passed away is so important to me. To me it shows His tenderness, love, and caring. There are so many ways that I have seen His hand in the life of my little family, and the life of my extended family over the past year. So many little and big miracles have happened. So many people have listened to promptings of the Holy Ghost and helped us during our time of need.
2. Conserve Your Energy. When we were on an Alaskan cruise with my family a couple of weeks ago, we had a little family devotional on Sunday. My mom talked (as much as she could) about how her doctors always say to conserve your energy. That has made me think a lot about what I spend my energy on. Am I spending my time holding grudges or being frustrated? Am I spending my time enjoying my family? Energy is precious. Moments don't last forever. I am working hard to remember each day to try to be my best me and to be grateful for the blessings I have each day. I am a very blessed person, so I have been trying to dwell on those blessings. I am trying to spend my time doing things that really matter and make me the best I can be. I still have many ways to improve, but I am trying.
3. God gave us family to help us become what He wants us to be (thank you Primary for teaching me that song). It has amazed me the things that we have been able to get through. It amazes me the lessons that I learn from my family each day. I have learned so much from my mom and dad and their faithfulness. They are seriously pillars of strength. Two days after my father-in-law passed away, I called my mom and cried and cried. I told her that I couldn't do all of this. I couldn't handle losing him and then her in such a close time period and when they were both so young. I think of what she said all of the time, "You don't have a choice. You have to do this." Then she went on to tell me about how Heavenly Father has always taken care of us, so He isn't going to stop now. I think of all of the lessons I continually learn from Olivia. I often call my parents and apologize for things that I put them through that I didn't realize until I became a mom myself.
4. Heavenly Father hears our prayers. There have been so many days where I have told Heavenly Father that I needed Him to take over because I didn't have the strength to keep going. Always, always, always, He takes care of me. I always thought people were just being nice when they said they could feel others prayers for them. I never understood it before. I can honestly say I often feel like our family has a bubble or a shield of protection and comfort from others prayers. It is AMAZING! People often ask how I can handle everything I am going through so well (if only they really knew.....ha ha!) it is honestly the prayers of others that have made life okay. THANK YOU for your prayers and thoughts! It makes all of the difference.
5. People are good. There is so much goodness in the world! My parents have had so many people reach out and bless their lives. Their ward remodeled their house to make it wheelchair accessible for them. How AMAZING is that? ! They constantly have people bringing meals, flowers, and cards to them. My mom has even had a few people make her quilts because she gets cold so easily now. They love the visits and the thoughtfulness. It is so humbling to see and hear about all that is done for them. It makes me want to be better. I also feel like I have been well taken care of. I have also received flowers and cards from friends and family. One friend even mailed me Little Debbie's Cosmic Brownies just to brighten my day because she knew they are my favorite. Seriously, stuff like this happens to us all of the time. We are so blessed!
I am not scared about where my mom will go when she passes away. I know that she will be surrounded and embraced by loved ones and that she will be well taken care of. I know she will do her best to take care of me and my family too, just like she has always done. I am so scared though, to actually have her go. I think about it a lot. It is very easy to let bitter feelings come when I think about it too much. 28 years old seems too young to lose my mom. I feel like I still have so much I need her for! I have so much to learn from her still. I am often envious of people who are in their 60's or 70's when their mom's die. It seems so unfair. When I start feeling those feelings, I think about all of the people I know who didn't get to know their mom. I am so blessed! I got to have at least 28 years with my mom. I am amazed by all that she has taught me (and still teaches me) in that time. I feel like I know how to do a lot because of my mom. I don't remember a time in my life where my mom wasn't teaching me how to do something. I can cook, sew, crochet, quilt, can, garden, mow the lawn (my mom always did it...so it never seemed like a man's job to me), do crafts, read, write, share my feelings, talk a lot, etc. because of my mom. Some people never get to have that privilege. I am so blessed.
So even though this has been the hardest time of my life, I know that this is all part of Heavenly Father's plan and that I have learned things and grown in ways that would have not been possible without this trial. I am still not grateful for it, nor do I think I will ever be, but I am grateful that Heavenly Father is helping me to make it through. I am grateful He is taking care of us, carrying us through.
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