Christmas Message From Rebecca

Yesterday I stumbled across a letter my mom sent me on my mission for my first Christmas away from home.  The letter is dated December 15, 2017.  She said that the mission president had requested that parents write about their testimonies and send them for us to receive at our mission Christmas program.  She expressed how difficult it was to put something so important into words, but that she would try her best.  The letter ended up being six handwritten pages so I won't share the whole thing, but I was touched by her words and so hopefully they will be able to uplift someone else too.

She starts out by telling a story she remembered from primary when she was just a little girl.

She (the primary teacher) challenged each of us to live the next week like Jesus right beside us.  She told us a story about a girl who decided to do that.  This girl went in her yard and picked flowers to put on the table because she wanted everything around her to be as nice as possible because she was acting like Jesus was next to her.  Our teacher told us that she was going to check with us the following week to see how we did.  I remember going home really fired up: I was going to live for one whole week like Jesus Himself was right with me.  That was something I'd never thought to do before! For some reason, I was convinced that we, too, needed flowers on our table.  I remember walking around our yard.  There weren't any flowers.  I was devastated.  How could I live my week correctly without flowers on the table?  I'm not sure how it happened, but somwhere during that week I learned a great lesson.  Flowers were fine, but not necessary.  What Jesus really cared about from me was how I treated the people around me.  Was I kind to my brothers and sisters?  That mattered so much more than flowers!  When I look back, I realize that God answered my little girl prayers and let me know that who I am matters so much more than what I have!

I think she spent her life demonstrating that people are more important than things and that what she had didn't matter.

She goes on to talk about a friend she had in college. They had a conversation where he questioned my mom and wanted to know how she had received her testimony.  He wanted to know what had happened in her life to make her know and when she was converted.  She wrote how she didn't know how to answer him and started question herself.  Here's what she said.

For the first time in my life I wondered what a testimony was.  I'd thought I had a testimony, but Dave acted like something big and profound had to happen for someone to say they had a testimony....I was rather embarrassed because I believed, but I couldn't say why I believed.  I asked God to tell me if I had a testimony.  I asked the bishop to find someone who could give me a Priesthood blessing.  He did.  In that blessing I was told that I did have a testimony.  I was told that my mother had given me faith.  Ever since that incredible blessing I've wondered what I appreciate more: the life my mother gave me (I was the ninth child, yet she was so thrilled to have me!) or the faith she gave me.  I've finally decided that the faith she gave me is what made the life she gave me worth living!

I too am grateful for the faith my grandma gave my mom because my mom, in turn, gave me that same faith.  I also know that it's that faith that got my mom through the last few years of her life that were so difficult.  I find comfort in knowing that she is back with her mom and that now they're both watching over my family and giving us faith and strength to make it through our trials.

 The next part of her letter talks about a talk given by a return missionary.  The mission president had asked him if he loved Jesus.  He said, "Yes.  I love Him so much I would die for Him."  His mission president told him that wasn't enough.  He needed to love Jesus so much that he was willing to live for Him. 

I've thought about that a lot over the years.  Jesus had that kind of perfect love for us.  He loved us so much that He lived and died for us.  Because of His living, His dying brought about the resurrection for all of us.  Joseph Smith love Jesus enought to live and die for Him.  Again, because of his living, his death was significant.  I've thought a lot about Grandma Willis.  Because she lived for Jesus, we know He's taking care of her now.  We all really need to live for Jesus!

My mom could pass on peacefully knowing that she too lived her life for Jesus.  Everything she did revolved around her beliefs and her faith.

I want to share the last paragraph in her own writing.  She had beautiful cursive and always took great pride in her penmanship. It was hard for her and all of us when her hands got too weak to write.

I just wanted to take the time to share this with all of you. Obviously at that time she had no idea that she only had 9 short years left to live, but her faith and testimony were unwavering. I can see that even from the time she was a little girl she was being prepared for what life had in store for her and spent her life preparing to return to her Heavenly Father. Her example gives me the strength to make it through the trials I face in my life.

Merry Christmas from the whole Niederhauser Family!

-Nicole 

Mother's Day

I've got a few more posts that I need to catch up on, but for today I thought I would share the slideshow that we made for my mom's viewing.

I know we are all missing her this Mother's Day. I'm grateful for the countless memories we have of her and for the amazing example she set for us.  Happy Mother's Day in heaven, Mom!

Trusting the Captain

My mom shared this story with me awhile back and asked if I thought it would be appropriate for her blog. I think there are a lot of lessons we can get out of it. So here you go:

When we were on the Alaskan cruise, we were going to get to see a glacier. The ALS has made me a lot wimpier about getting cold, so Alan and I found a corner where we could wait that wasn't on the open deck. There were really nice windows in front of us. They were all the way around that part of the ship. We sat by a mother and her daughter. The daughter was an adult, and kept getting up and doing other things. We got to see some gorgeous scenery. We even saw sea lions on pieces of icebergs! We had an enjoyable time. Then the captain explained that we were getting close to the glacier, and that he would make a 360 degree turn so that it didn't matter what side of the ship we were sitting on, everyone would be able to see. 

We got to the glacier, and Alan and I were on the side that was the farthest from the glacier. The mother who had stayed there for a long time got up and hurried to the other side of the ship. As she left she explained that she had waited far too long to miss it now. 

Actually, several people were hurrying to that side of the ship. At first, I started to panic. Should we hurry to the other side? We had waited for a long time. Would we miss it now? Then the daughter made a comment that really hit my heart. " Either you trust the captain, or you don't!" 
Those words really calmed me down. Why would the captain make a promise like that if he didn't have the ability or intention to keep it? Of course, we could trust him.

That felt like a message from the Holy Ghost to me. 

We had to wait for awhile, but eventually we could tell that the ship was turning around. Because we had trusted in the captain, we had peace of mind while we were waiting. We also had the comfortable seats that we had been sitting in without the crowds of people who had rushed to the other side of the ship. 

Those words, " You either trust the captain, or you don't!" have often come into my mind in the months that have followed. 

When I was first diagnosed with ALS, I wondered how I could go on living knowing that I was going to die. I cried that I was going to lose so much. I cried that so many plans would go unfulfilled. I cried that I was going to have to leave so many people whom I love so much. 
I have learned that I can live without lots of things, and that I can still feel like I have a happy and fulfilling life. I was so upset about losing the ability to write. This computer has made up for that. What has surprised me is how much I have missed scratching places that itch, and using my hands to get flies and mosquitoes to leave me alone. Those were things that I totally took for granted when my hands worked. 

I have also learned that when Elder Uchtdorf said that you do better enduring trials if you focus on your blessings, he was exactly right. We all want things that seem out of our reach. They might be good things, even righteous things, but if we only think about what we don't have we can make ourselves miserable and then we won't even realize what we do have that is wonderful. 

More than anything else, I think, I have learned that trusting the real Captain, even Heavenly Father, is essential right now. One of my favorite scriptures is found in Romans, " All things will work for good for them that love the Lord." I certainly do love Jesus Christ. That's an easy thing to do. Trusting is sometimes harder for me. 

I believe that eternity is a very long time. I think that this earth life will seem very short some day. I want to think back on this part of my life and be able to honestly say that I tried to learn the most that I could learn and that I finished this earth life in a way pleasing to Him. 

About a week ago, I started feeling really sad about having to leave my family in a short time. My breathing is getting more shallow. I am not afraid to die. I am afraid of what I will have to go through before I die. For a few days, though, I kept thinking about how much I love my family and how much I don't want to leave them. I started crying really hard about it. Poor Emily cried with me. Alan gave me a priesthood blessing. That helped. Since then, I have been praying that Heavenly Father will carry me. He has done that. I appreciate Him with every inch of my heart! 

Welcome Peyton - October 6, 2016

      

       We got to welcome a gorgeous baby girl into our family on October sixth!
We have a gorgeous new granddaughter! She has lots of dark brown hair, weighed seven pounds ten ounces, and was twenty inches long. Did I mention that she is gorgeous?
       Since we had our first child, I have always thought that watching a child be born is a truly special and spiritual experience. When we were having babies, they always asked me if I wanted a mirror to be placed at the end of the bed so that I could see what was happening. They don't seem to do that anymore. I don't know why. As I saw Peyton's perfect little body, I burst into tears. I thought of all of the prayers that we have said for her and her mother. They certainly had been answered.
       Then, I found myself wondering how anyone could ever see a baby be born and wonder if there is a God. I absolutely marveled that a body could be formed so perfectly.
       Then, I started thinking about where Peyton had come from! Our religion teaches that we have Heavenly Parents who created our spirits. We lived with Them and our brothers and sisters until we came down to this earth into the body that our earthly parents made for us.
       I started wondering if the spirits who knew and loved Peyton in heaven were sad to see her leave them. Here we are thrilled as we can be to have her with us. Are there others who are already missing her?
       Then, I found myself wondering what the next life will be like. We believe that when we die, our body does die, but our spirits go to heaven and continue to do important things. We believe that if we live righteously, our family relationships will still be intact. In my case, I look forward to seeing my mother and two brothers and two sisters who have already died.
        My ALS continues to progress. I have to wear my bi-pap most of the time. My breathing is getting really shallow. To compensate for my lungs not working as well as they should, my heart is beating faster. I am starting to wonder how much longer I have left on this earth. Have I accomplished everything that I am supposed to have done?
       I am not afraid to be dead, but I do worry about how much it could hurt to die. People keep telling me that most people who die from ALS die peacefully in their sleep. That sounds good.
       My biggest problem is that I don't want to leave the people whom I love here.
That, however, is not my choice to make. If I got to choose what happened when, I am afraid that I would still be in Reno attending high school. I have always had a difficult time with change.
       I am so thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who wants to help us through our difficult times. I have asked Him to carry me so many times. I have been amazed at the peace He can send to a troubled heart, and the trust that we can have when we believe that He is in charge and is doing the things that are the best for us. I appreciate the help He has given my family and me.

Lessons Learned in the ER

When I was a missionary one of the things we did to prepare to teach was study and discuss some of the "questions of the soul" (where did we come from? why are we here? what happens after this life? etc.) so that we could incorporate them into our lessons and help people understand their purpose and draw nearer to God. For the most part I could answer those questions and use scripture passages to back them up, but there was one question I never quite knew how to answer. That question was "Why does God let bad things happen to good people?" I knew that there was a purpose for everything and that those experiences were there to make us grow. I wasn't bitter by any means, but for some reason it was a hard question for me to answer because I didn't fully comprehend how a God who loved us do much could allow such bad and hard things to people who were doing their best to follow Him. 

Fast forward a few years and I've now been through enough hard experiences that I realize how much I have learned from those trials and experiences. I can see how they have been necessary to help me grow. 

In the past few days I have been able to internalize those principles in a new light and I hope that by sharing my experience maybe it can help someone else who is going through something hard. 

On Thursday morning I noticed that Jacob, my 9-month-old seemed kind of warm. I pulled out the thermometer and took his temperature. 99.8 degrees. High, but not extremely worriesome. He had just seen his pediatrician on Tuesday and had been given a clean bill of health, but she had also pointed out that he was getting four new teeth, so I kind of attributed the fever to that. I gave him some Tylenol and put him down for a nap. Then I left him with a babysitter while I went to an appointment. He ended up sleeping the whole time I was gone and a lot of that day. Over the next 24 hours his fever fluctuated from 99 to 101. I still didn't think it was anything too serious. He still had no other symptoms other than being irritatable.  But by Friday night it had gone up to almost 104. We gave him some Motrin and a lukewarm bath and then he fell asleep. That night was terrible. He woke up a lot and his fever wouldn't go down. 

By 6:00 in the morning Jacob was absolutely miserable and inconsolable. Jeff and I debated if we should get him to the ER or wait until instacare would open at 9. We decided it would be better to get him taken care of than to wait another 3 hours. 

I took him to the ER while Jeff stayed home with a sleeping Jeffery. The ER thermometer showed his temperature at 103.6 and his blood pressure was slightly elevated. Jacob hated having all his vitals checked. When the doctor came in he listened to his heart and lungs and checked his ears. His ears were clear but the doctor ordered a chest scan and a urine test saying he wanted to rule our pneumonia and a UTI. 

In the meantime Jacob was miserable and fussy. They came in to do his chest scan and of course made me leave the room due to being pregnant. They brought in an extra person and gave her a lead apron so she could try and keep Jacob still and calm enough to get the pictures they needed. I had to watch through the door while someone else tried to comfort my baby who didn't understand what was happening to him. 

After the chest scan they came in to draw his urine. As you can imagine that was not a pleasant experience. It didn't help that the nurse seemed kind of new and was very unsure of himself. He was unable to get anything to come out using the catheter so he left the room without saying much to me other than maybe he was dehydrated or there could be a kidney stone or blockage of some sort. Not what I wanted to hear! He came back with another nurse who had a bladder scanner. He checked and determined that his bladder was full and getting a sample shouldn't be a problem. Nurse #2 inserted the catheter and had no problem getting it to work, but poor Jacob hated it.

When all the tests were done and they left us alone to wait for the results little Jacob looked up at me with the saddest little eyes that seemed to be saying "Mom, why are you letting this happen to me?" I held him and told him I was so sorry, but he had to go through all these uncomfortable and painful experiences because it was the only way he was ever going to get better. As I said those words I had an epiphany of sorts. It hit me that this is what our Heavenly Father must be thinking when we have to go through difficult things in our lives. As much as I love Jacob I still had to allow him to go through the painful, temporary procedures because it was the only way for them to find out what was wrong and know what he needed to heal his sick little body. It was because I loved him that I had to allow these things to happen. 

In the end it turned out that Jacob was diagnosed with pneumonia. Luckily we caught it early enough that it hadn't gotten extremely serious. He is on an antibiotic and a higher dose of Tylenol, and while he is not all the way better, he has improved a lot. 

As I've reflected on that early morning trip to the ER I've thought of so many spiritual lessons that can be taken away from it. 

1. Heavenly Father doesn't allow bad things to happen to us because he enjoys it or doesn't care. In fact, it must be really hard for him as a Father to watch us suffer and be in pain. But because He loves us He allows us to go through these things because it's the only way we will get better in the end. 

2. I was unable to be physically present while Jacob has his chest x-rays, but I didn't leave him alone. I was still there on the other side of the door watching and making sure everything was ok. I left my son in the capable hands of the nurse and medical staff and trusted that they would give him the care and comfort that he needed. When we are going through hard times, Heavenly Father hasn't left us alone. He is still watching and He has placed people in our lives to help us and comfort us through the hard times. 

3. We ended up spending over 3 hours at the ER. For my miserable baby who wanted to get down and crawl, that seemed like an eternity. However, I knew that it wasn't going to last forever and that we just had to be patient to get the answers that we needed. When we are going through trials a lot of times it feels like they're never going to end. We can take comfort in knowing that they will end eventually. 

4. Jacob was given medication to help his body fight the infection and lessen the pain and discomfort. The meds won't cure him instantaneously, but they will make the process a little easier and comfortable. Our Heavenly Father has provided us with a source of comfort through the atoning sacrifice of His Son Jesus Christ. When we face trials in our lives, the Atonement won't take those completely away until we have fought through to the end of each trial, but it sure makes things more bearable and gives us comfort and strength to make it through. 

As my mom has faced the trial of ALS over the past couple years we have gotten so many comments and questions along the lines of, "She is such a good person. I wonder why this is happening to her of all people." Well, it is my personal belief that while God has the power to prevent people like my mom from going through these experiences, he doesn't because he knows there is a higher purpose. I could have chosen not to take Jacob to the ER or not allowed them to give him the tests that he hated, but I knew that in the long run it was absolutely necessary to subject him to those difficult experiences. I hated it just as much as Jacob, but I could see the bigger picture. Heavenly Father can see the bigger picture that we can't see from our limited mortal perspective. That doesn't mean that He doesn't care or that He has left us alone. He is with us every step of the way. He hurts when we hurt, and because He loves us he will help us make it through. We may not ever find out in this life why my mom and my family needed to face this trial at this time, but there is no doubt in my mind that it's all part of God's plan for us. 

I am grateful for the privilege and blessing  I have been given of being a mother. It has helped me to comprehend a small fraction of the love our Heavenly Father has for each one of His children.  I am grateful to my parents for the unconditional love they show to me and to my siblings. 

 

My mom asked me to share this on her blog. I emailed this to my family yesterday.

Livy has been pretty sick the last few days. She has had a fever and been very moody. Last night I started trying to get her to fall asleep around 10:30 PM and was able to fall asleep around 4 AM because I had finally gotten her to sleep. It was a rough night. I haven't been able to leave her side (because she won't let me) for the past few days. Last night if I wasn't touching her, she would wake up and scream again. It made me have flashbacks to myself as a child.

When I was 3, I started having some horrible nightmares. In my nightmares witches or kidnappers would come to kid nap me. My nightmares were so real. My dad would often have to take me through the whole house and show me inside every closet and behind every door to show me I was safe. He said that he often worried something or someone really was in our house because I was so sure about it. I could describe the people in a lot of detail. My parents deserve a lot of brownie points in heaven for dealing with me. This lasted regularly for 3 years or so. Sometimes I still have those nightmares.

In my nightmares, I was always safe if I was touching my mom or dad. As long as I had my hand touching them, I would not get kidnapped. This lead my poor parents to having many nights where I wanted to sleep in their bed. When my parents got tired of sharing a bed with me (I can't imagine why ;-) ), my mom said she would hold my hand through the night and I could sleep by the side of her bed. Eventually her arm got tired of hanging off of the bed, so she told me that as long as I was touching her bed, I would be safe. Eventually she added a lighthouse nightlight to something that would keep me safe from being kidnapped. ****DISCLAIMER: I have apologized to my parents for all that I put them through.****

Last night as I was the mom holding my daughter's hand while she was upset, I lost it. I realized how much love my mom had for me to hold my hand like that all night long even when she was so dang tired. I then started to feel extremely sorry for myself because soon my mom won't be here with me on earth anymore. I started crying A LOT! It is weird because some moments with my mom's sickness I am okay. I understand that everything happens for a reason, and then other moments just hit me with incredible grief and sadness. This was one of those moments.

I kneeled next to Livy's bed and started to pour my heart and soul out to Heavenly Father. I asked Him to please take my Livy Lou's sickness away, to please help her feel better. I told him how hard it was for me to watch her struggle. I then told Him how hard life has been for us lately....how losing Jay (my Father-in-law), then losing my Grandma Niederhauser right after was horrible and how the thought of my mom going back to heaven soon too was too much to handle. I told him how watching her struggle is so hard and how I often dream of her being normal able to talk and walk. I told him that was a lot for any person to handle...but to have it all so close to each other was SOOO hard.

As I stayed there trying to get Livy to sleep, still kind of in the middle of my prayer, I thought about how Heavenly Father is my father just like I am Livy's parent. He doesn't like to see me struggle either. He wants to take my pain and agony away, just like I want to take away Livy's. Then, I realized He already has. Because of Him, I get to be with my family forever. Because of Him, this life is not the end. Because of Him, I not only get to learn and grow from my trials, but they make me have a better understanding and a more perfect knowledge of His love for me. Just like Livy has to experience illness to build her immune system, I need to experience trials and hardships to help build me....to make me who I need to become. It is part of life, part of what I agreed to when I came to earth, and it will all be worth it.

I am not saying that I am grateful for my trials, because I am definitely not to that point. I don't know if I ever will be. But I do know that I am grateful for Heavenly Father's help and blessings during my trials. He ALWAYS takes care of me. He ALWAYS loves me.

Sharing my testimony in testimony meeting is hard these days with a wiggly toddler, so I figured this could count for me for next Sunday. I just felt like I should share this experience. I don't know why, but maybe it will help someone else.

Know that I love you all. Thanks for reading!

Mandy

My Family is the Best!

       I have an incredible family. My maiden name is Willis, and I am grateful to be part of them! " Where there's a Willis, there's a way!"
       A few years ago, Deseret Book in St. George decided to stop carrying fabric. We went there to visit Mandy and Nicole, so we bought some fabric to make baby quilts for our future grandchildren. When we realized that I had ALS, Nicole suggested that we get the fabric made into quilts, and then let people choose a quilt as they had children.
       There was only one problem. I can't move my hands at all. In other words, I wouldn't be any help at all.
That's when my sisters got involved. Tyra and Roberta made Nicole's goal their own. They came to our house and started tying quilts. Tyra teased some of our children by asking them how many babies they are going to have! After that, she would explain that she really needed to know how many were going to be girls and how many were going to be boys. We have had lots of fun laughing about it.
       That was in March. My niece Barbara, and her daughter, Rebecca, also helped us. Rebecca hadn't ever tied quilts before, but she was a quick learner and a wonderful help. We had such a blast! All of a sudden, eight baby quilts were tied! Tyra took them home with her so she could turn them over and hand stitch the edges.
       Meanwhile, Roberta kept working on new quilts. She got several more finished.
       Then July came. Tyra came back from her home in Cypress, California with two of her grandchildren. She has to drive ten hours one way to get here! By that time, I had bought fleece and minky fabric to make blankets for each of our grandchildren who are already born. Tyra started sewing those. A few days later, my sister Shirley Anne came with a daughter and two grandchildren. My sister Mary came with her daughter. I don't know whether people sewed or talked more! We sure had a great time. We had our two oldest grandchildren stay at our house to play with their cousins. They had so much fun, and played so well together.
       I love and appreciate my family so much!

 Twenty tied quilts and ten fleece blankets:  A true labor of love!!