Fast forward a few years and I've now been through enough hard experiences that I realize how much I have learned from those trials and experiences. I can see how they have been necessary to help me grow.
In the past few days I have been able to internalize those principles in a new light and I hope that by sharing my experience maybe it can help someone else who is going through something hard.
On Thursday morning I noticed that Jacob, my 9-month-old seemed kind of warm. I pulled out the thermometer and took his temperature. 99.8 degrees. High, but not extremely worriesome. He had just seen his pediatrician on Tuesday and had been given a clean bill of health, but she had also pointed out that he was getting four new teeth, so I kind of attributed the fever to that. I gave him some Tylenol and put him down for a nap. Then I left him with a babysitter while I went to an appointment. He ended up sleeping the whole time I was gone and a lot of that day. Over the next 24 hours his fever fluctuated from 99 to 101. I still didn't think it was anything too serious. He still had no other symptoms other than being irritatable. But by Friday night it had gone up to almost 104. We gave him some Motrin and a lukewarm bath and then he fell asleep. That night was terrible. He woke up a lot and his fever wouldn't go down.
By 6:00 in the morning Jacob was absolutely miserable and inconsolable. Jeff and I debated if we should get him to the ER or wait until instacare would open at 9. We decided it would be better to get him taken care of than to wait another 3 hours.
I took him to the ER while Jeff stayed home with a sleeping Jeffery. The ER thermometer showed his temperature at 103.6 and his blood pressure was slightly elevated. Jacob hated having all his vitals checked. When the doctor came in he listened to his heart and lungs and checked his ears. His ears were clear but the doctor ordered a chest scan and a urine test saying he wanted to rule our pneumonia and a UTI.
In the meantime Jacob was miserable and fussy. They came in to do his chest scan and of course made me leave the room due to being pregnant. They brought in an extra person and gave her a lead apron so she could try and keep Jacob still and calm enough to get the pictures they needed. I had to watch through the door while someone else tried to comfort my baby who didn't understand what was happening to him.
After the chest scan they came in to draw his urine. As you can imagine that was not a pleasant experience. It didn't help that the nurse seemed kind of new and was very unsure of himself. He was unable to get anything to come out using the catheter so he left the room without saying much to me other than maybe he was dehydrated or there could be a kidney stone or blockage of some sort. Not what I wanted to hear! He came back with another nurse who had a bladder scanner. He checked and determined that his bladder was full and getting a sample shouldn't be a problem. Nurse #2 inserted the catheter and had no problem getting it to work, but poor Jacob hated it.
When all the tests were done and they left us alone to wait for the results little Jacob looked up at me with the saddest little eyes that seemed to be saying "Mom, why are you letting this happen to me?" I held him and told him I was so sorry, but he had to go through all these uncomfortable and painful experiences because it was the only way he was ever going to get better. As I said those words I had an epiphany of sorts. It hit me that this is what our Heavenly Father must be thinking when we have to go through difficult things in our lives. As much as I love Jacob I still had to allow him to go through the painful, temporary procedures because it was the only way for them to find out what was wrong and know what he needed to heal his sick little body. It was because I loved him that I had to allow these things to happen.
In the end it turned out that Jacob was diagnosed with pneumonia. Luckily we caught it early enough that it hadn't gotten extremely serious. He is on an antibiotic and a higher dose of Tylenol, and while he is not all the way better, he has improved a lot.
As I've reflected on that early morning trip to the ER I've thought of so many spiritual lessons that can be taken away from it.
1. Heavenly Father doesn't allow bad things to happen to us because he enjoys it or doesn't care. In fact, it must be really hard for him as a Father to watch us suffer and be in pain. But because He loves us He allows us to go through these things because it's the only way we will get better in the end.
2. I was unable to be physically present while Jacob has his chest x-rays, but I didn't leave him alone. I was still there on the other side of the door watching and making sure everything was ok. I left my son in the capable hands of the nurse and medical staff and trusted that they would give him the care and comfort that he needed. When we are going through hard times, Heavenly Father hasn't left us alone. He is still watching and He has placed people in our lives to help us and comfort us through the hard times.
3. We ended up spending over 3 hours at the ER. For my miserable baby who wanted to get down and crawl, that seemed like an eternity. However, I knew that it wasn't going to last forever and that we just had to be patient to get the answers that we needed. When we are going through trials a lot of times it feels like they're never going to end. We can take comfort in knowing that they will end eventually.
4. Jacob was given medication to help his body fight the infection and lessen the pain and discomfort. The meds won't cure him instantaneously, but they will make the process a little easier and comfortable. Our Heavenly Father has provided us with a source of comfort through the atoning sacrifice of His Son Jesus Christ. When we face trials in our lives, the Atonement won't take those completely away until we have fought through to the end of each trial, but it sure makes things more bearable and gives us comfort and strength to make it through.
As my mom has faced the trial of ALS over the past couple years we have gotten so many comments and questions along the lines of, "She is such a good person. I wonder why this is happening to her of all people." Well, it is my personal belief that while God has the power to prevent people like my mom from going through these experiences, he doesn't because he knows there is a higher purpose. I could have chosen not to take Jacob to the ER or not allowed them to give him the tests that he hated, but I knew that in the long run it was absolutely necessary to subject him to those difficult experiences. I hated it just as much as Jacob, but I could see the bigger picture. Heavenly Father can see the bigger picture that we can't see from our limited mortal perspective. That doesn't mean that He doesn't care or that He has left us alone. He is with us every step of the way. He hurts when we hurt, and because He loves us he will help us make it through. We may not ever find out in this life why my mom and my family needed to face this trial at this time, but there is no doubt in my mind that it's all part of God's plan for us.
I am grateful for the privilege and blessing I have been given of being a mother. It has helped me to comprehend a small fraction of the love our Heavenly Father has for each one of His children. I am grateful to my parents for the unconditional love they show to me and to my siblings.
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